You weren’t made to fit in

You weren’t made to fit in. I often hear that phrase, but can I believe it, live by it, and understand it? Maybe. As a Christian, I’m taught that God has a plan for my life. That I need to give it to him and to lean not on my own understanding. Apparently, I signed up for the premier subscription. I’m also blessed. I can’t deny that at all. So how then do we deal with the every day crap that just keeps getting piled on top of us? All I can do is what I know how to do and that’s pray. Pray and talk to God about my prolems, concerns, my hope and dreams. I was so exciited when I came home from being incarcerated. I was ready to conquer everything with a new outlook. I didn’t plan to end up with a 3rd retinal detachment. That wasn’t in my plans AT ALL. I wasn’t planning on having to have two surgeries to fit it, which then has left me with worse vision that I had before. As I sit here and type this, I’m only able to do so because my loving husband bought a huge monitor for me to be able to then use bigger fonts. The other day we went outside and a Dove built a nest inside the rafters of one of our outdoor structures. My husband pointed to it and said, “do you see it?” I said yes, but only faiintly could I see it. I couldn’t see the fine details, or if there were any babies in the nest. Those days of seeing fine details further away are now gone. Tomorrow, I go to see my surgeon for another follow up. As frustrated as I am, I’m not sure how I want to approach this appointment. Do I want to go in and shake the crap out of him and scream, “why “? Absolutely. Will I? No, of course not. This man has the bed side manner of a stick. I want answers to the “why’s”. and I need to know the “how’s” to proceed for the future. When I was told that my retina detached for the 3rd time, I was basically told that the best possible surgery to have was one that resulted in adding silicone oil to my eye to then stay there and then be removed at a later day. Previously, I was given a gas bubble that self absorbed over time. The reason I was told that the oil was now the better option was because I had a tear in the past. What I wasn’t told was the possible problems afterwards and if given a choice which would I have chose. You go to doctor’s and rely on their expertise. Here’s what happened after the fact, leaving me in the situation I’m now in. Whenever you have eye surgery or certain trauma’s to your eye, it requires you develop a cataract. Therefore, I had that surgery years ago and was given an IOP or lens to correct the cataract. After the oil was placed in my eye and removed last November, I expected to be able to see crystal clear and things be the same as they were. That didn’t happen. I started noticing what appeared to be particles floating around and as if I was looking through smudged glasses. I brought this up several times at my other appointments, but nothing was ever said. I figured it was part of the recovery process. Finally, a month ago I was able to go see a regular eye doctor for new glasses. I brought up my concerns to him and he sat and listened to me with the same care and concern that I felt. I also shared with him a medical article I found online from an opthalmology website discussing the silocone oil and people that have IOP’s (lens) in their eyes. The article stated that oil isn’t a good idea because they are finding that all of the oil isn’t able to be removed and therefore it adhere’s to the lens, making it “dirty”. My regular eye doctor was able to see and confirm this finding during my eye appointment. He said that his concern would be that no cataract surgeon would feel comfortable removing and puttiing in a new lens because of my retinal detachment history. (How wonderful!-NOT!!). I expressed to him that I understood his concern as well because the article also addressed the fact that not all of the oil can be removed. There could always be remanants floating around. Which he also confirmed, that was the particles I was seeing. So, even if I got a new lens, there is still oil in there to potentially reattach itself to it. I asked if there was a way to flush the eye. He wasn’t sure, which I appreciated his honesty. I mean, he’s a regular eye doctor and not a retinal doctor. I also read in this article that removing the oil could create a negative space, causing the retina to pull again. Boy, what a vicious cirlce! So I indeed have a lot of questsions tomorrow during my visit. I pray that those questions can and will be answered. If not, I may be in the market for a new retinal doctor. I can only continue to also pray that whatever God’s bigger plan is for my life is soon going to take a turn for the better. This has affected my ability to work and the end of January I lost my job. I’ve been actively trying to look, but also hesitate with the challenges I’m now facing. The company I worked for was “kind” enough to lay off 4 of us, not offering any severance and it was just shy of the required time to work there to be able to collect unemployment. I’m being sarcastic of course. I started an Etsy store. If you care to take a look, that would be awesome! https://www.etsy.com/shop/PineValleyFinds?ref=seller-platform-mcnav. I’ll keep you all posted on my visit tomorrow.